Blah...

[kaoru]

I don't know why it is that every day I have someplace to go, it just ruins my whole day. I don't even have to leave my house for like five more hours for class, but I feel all anxious like, oh, better do everything I need to do! O noes! WHAT is my major malfunction? Blah I don't want to leave.

I got another portfolio assignment out of the way yesterday. Yahoo. X3 I can't decide if I want to do another today on top of life drawing, or if I'd just like to chill until time for life drawing. We'll see if I get hit with inspiration or not, I guess.

So Oscar nominations went up. Sweeney Todd was nominated for three things, and none of those three are best director or best film. To this I say, what the fuck, Academy. Blah I guess I'm just biased because I hardly ever go to the movies anymore, so I know none of what's being nominated, but then again... this year like fucking sucked for movies. There was nooooothing out that I ever wanted to see. Except for Sweeney Todd! Bitches. Hollywood needs a facelift.

So like, I went to bed at around midnight last night because I felt the sleepy and figured I needed to go to bed on time for once. So I fell asleep... and then I was like, wide awake at 7:00 in the morning. But I was like "No... I should sleep a little longer. Get my eight hours, or else I'm going to be tired later." Well, of course, my alarm wasn't set like I thought it was. So I woke up again at nine, extremely exhausted-feeling because I had overslept... and then I eventually just dragged myself outta bed close to ten. And I still feel tired. Why can't I ever just have a normal day where I'm awake anymore? Stabbity death!!

I've been pretty lethargic about a lot of things lately. I've noticed that, while I have quite a few obsessions, I tend to be not as obsessed as anyone else in the fandoms because I'm spreading myself 'thin,' I guess. Like, in Harry Potter, they're all writing fics and I'm like "Blaahhh I don't really like the characters enough to do that" (not to mention the continuity slips my mind all the time; I don't feel like I know enough to do them justice). And then in Pokemon, I've gotten to the point, when looking at peoples' collections, that instead of being amazed, I'm like "Look at all the money you've wasted." This is sad and slightly hypocritical, because I've done the same thing, but I've slowed WAY down in the past few months. I don't know. I don't keep up with John Mayer as much as I used to because really, tabloids, I don't give a fuck that he went shopping for dog food the other day. Or that he went to dinner. Who the fuuuuuck cares plz.

Iunno. I need a job, and I'm pretty much a waste of space.

Comments

[wolveswithwings.livejournal.com]

Tim Burton definitely deserved an award for Sweeney Todd. That movie was beyond incredible. Thank god it won other awards anyway, or else I might have had to riot. :D

[brownstudies.livejournal.com]

[lovestyle.livejournal.com]

Oh, you think so? No, I was incredibly serious, lol. I've always said I have a bit of a social anxiety disorder- I love my close friends, and I am fine in crowds of people that I don't know, but if you put me in a crowd of people that are acquaintances, my head fills with all sorts of stupid worries, like "OMG do I say hi... do they still remember me... will they think I'm a bitch if I don't say hi?!" and before I know it, I have to step out to breathe or just go home. I can't deal with that.

With my situation Tuesday, I had a life drawing class in the evening... and it made the rest of the day very muddled and hard to organize. I couldn't help but think to myself that if I was going WITH someone, I'd feel a lot better. It's not that I'm afraid of driving, or the class itself or anything, I just HATE leaving my house alone. I don't know, I'm fine at home alone, but I hate to be out and about alone. I definitely can't stand it... I'd be feeling the same way today, because I DO have the class, but it's my mother's birthday, so I'm thinking about skipping to go have dinner with my family instead, which makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.

[brownstudies.livejournal.com]

it really does sound like some kind of anxiety disorder, probably social. this (http://www.socialphobia.org/whatis.html#whatis1) is probably the best page i've come across for real world definitions of what it is, as well as this one (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/social-anxiety-disorder/DS00595), but theres loads of online tests and info pages you can look at. I think it's better understood where you are, so maybe you could talk to a doctor about it and see what he thinks? they're a bit crap with it here, they just tell me i'm depressed and attempt to shove me on pills (plus, uh, authority figures scare the crap out of me because of the social anxiety, so i wont actually go to see a doctor anyway. yeah, Ris = FAIL, i;m afraid xD)
i did wonder when in claw chat, you said you hated the telephone; thats sort of the classic sign of social anxiety..

[lovestyle.livejournal.com]

Oh wow, that first page was great. I've looked it up in the past, but I always kind of felt like people would think I was just stupid, since it's normal for a lot of teenagers to feel the way I do sometimes. The phone part definitely sounds exactly like me, down to a t. I like how it also mentions that you may be extremely conscious of a body part of yours that you feel looks weird, because I have always been extremely embarrassed of how fat my arms are; I almost always try to wear sleeves. It gets really hot here in the summer, so I try to ignore the fact that my arms are bare, but I'm still always scrutinizing what I do with them- like, I'll never cross them in public without sleeves on because of the way they look. And the second page mentions the trouble with making eye contact- YES. IT IS SO HARD. I almost NEVER make eye contact with ANYONE I am talking to, no matter who they are at all. If I make eye contact, I feel like they can like, see my thoughts and judge me and stuff, so the second I look into a person's eyes, my mind just goes completely blank. Another thing I can't do is ask for help at shops like, ever. The biggest place is Barnes and Noble. It is the HARDEST THING IN THE WORLD to ask a clerk to help me find a book. If I can't find it myself, I'll just leave empty handed, even if I want the book more than anything. *sigh*

I don't think I have an extremely extremely severe case, because a lot of the physical symptoms don't apply to me (unless I'm getting up to talk in front of a bunch of people, in which case I feel like, all of them, but again, I think that's normal...?), but of the list of characteristics on the second page, I have SOMEWHAT low self-esteem (this stems from always being 'the fat girl,' though- it's all self image; I am confident about my abilities and who I am on the inside), I do have trouble being assertive (which is why I wouldn't ever make it a day trying to sell products for someone else), and EXTREME hyper-sensitivity to criticism (see my latest journal entry. x.X It got so bad when I was visiting my friend at Sheridan in October that, when she'd start drawing overtop some of my drawings to correct me, I'd rip the paper out from underneath her hands). I'm not particularly afraid of strangers (I think working as a peon helped this a lot- I say hi to the people checking me out at the store and stuff, and am generally very nice, although this is mostly because I know how much it sucks to be the one stuck behind the counter and want to give them an easier time), but like, ordering in a drive-thru is another situation entirely. I HATE going through the drive-thru- I'm always afraid I'll say something stupid or wrong, and then I'll drive up and look stupid after that or something, ugh. And everytime I leave my house alone, I always have to make sure I look my best; I could never drive up to the store in no makeup and sweatpants EVER, even if it was to buy like, a gallon of milk. Augh, nonono. And apparently not being able to initiate conversation is a sign of it- I can't initiate conversation, even on the internet. I actually had a former friend decide to NEVER TALK TO ME AGAIN because I wouldn't IM him first- he griped at me and got me to promise to IM him first sometimes, and I just couldn't do it (I'm always afraid of bothering people), so he got all hostile on me ("You know what sucks? Supposed FRIENDS who break promises") and then blocked me, never to talk to me again. I just let him leave. I was like "You know what, I'm not going to apologize for something I can't help." So that was the end of that friendship.

I don't know. I hardly keep contact with ANY friends of mine from highschool anymore. I don't call people ever. I don't have any friends locally right now (well, I have one, but she's busy, so I'd never call her to interrupt her)... I'm actually kinda really lonely, and it's all my fault, but I can't help myself... you know?

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make that really long. o.o; It just kinda happened.